Bretticus here is a looong comment or at least i attempt it to be.

Don’t breathe in faith
warmed letters—
Here you could do some double meaning thing which you kind of have here already but i think it'd work better if it said don't breath in//faith warmed letters.

I am losing my extremities in the snowfall.

Please light my feet on fire.</> I think the flow is ruined here. maybe you wanted a spiky effect but if you know ,e then you might know that i dont like to have stumbly sentences.

744 hours of arctic hearts
and deep ocean blues,
with slide guitar tears
and cigarette burned voices. i like the first three lines as they have a natural rhythm but then the fourth breaks it up. Maybe use burnt cigar voices? Or fag burned voices hehe

Palm mute me,
drop the decibels of Sunday
memories. don't realy get why you put palm in. I understand the reference to palm sunday but it doesnt seem like its been put to its greatest use.

I am drowning in the sound waves
of Coltrane’s love.

Don’t come for me unless you mean it.

I'm not sure if I like the last line. It seems maybe too normal compared to the eloquence of the previous stanzas.

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And what I realised was that my entire life I was a victim of my own FEAR. I was FEEDING FEAR WITH FOOD... and finally... I looked in the mirror. Not just IN THE MIRROR. I looked THROUGH the mirror. And in that image
I saw my EGO REFLECTION.

in conclusion <33 you. I think i just want some form in poetry currently

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And what I realised was that my entire life I was a victim of my own FEAR. I was FEEDING FEAR WITH FOOD... and finally... I looked in the mirror. Not just IN THE MIRROR. I looked THROUGH the mirror. And in that image
I saw my EGO REFLECTION.

wow, Tessa, thanks for your comments. I agree with your suggestion in the first stanza. that's more the effect I was going for. I do like the spiky effect of the next comment though. And I feel you on cigarette burned voices...though fag would be a bad substitute--I'll play with the image there. As for palm mute me, I didn't mean for it to be a reference to Palm sunday, it was a reference to the music/guitar theme I had going...a "palm mute" is where you lay the palm of the hand on the strings while picking, to muffle the resonance of the sound, thus quiet it as well, so that stanza was the quieting/fading away of the sound of him. As for the last line, I think I agree with you on the normalness of it. It's lacking the type of vocab I was using for the rest of the piece, but something about it works for me. I think trying to make that line eloquent would end it on a very wordy sentiment. I like its harshness without having to use imagery to show it.

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Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

I know, it's just when I get emotionally charged into a piece, I don't think to form it immediately. I try not to constrain my emotions in form. Most of my formed poetry is based off of seeing a form first, then trying to fit something into it. I think that writing as much formed verse as I have lately for my class though, I have seen the effective qualities of constraints, and perhaps one of these days I'll be able to emotionally explode in the context of a formed piece. For now, I just needed to get this out as fast as possible.

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Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

put palm-mute or something then maybe put it in itaalics

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And what I realised was that my entire life I was a victim of my own FEAR. I was FEEDING FEAR WITH FOOD... and finally... I looked in the mirror. Not just IN THE MIRROR. I looked THROUGH the mirror. And in that image
I saw my EGO REFLECTION.

I don't think it needs the italics, would look a little out of place being the only thing italicized. I might hyphenate it though.

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Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

I feel really uncomfortable trying to make any comments on Poetry.. but I can tell you I liked it.

I didn't get the "palm-mute" reference until I read your replies, perhaps you can explain that in the "artist comments" section.

At any rate, this has an incredibly bluesy feel, even without the reference to Coltrane. I really enjoyed it.

palm-mute shall be added to the comments section. and I'm glad the blues feel came off before the coltrane reference. that's what I was going for

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Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

Don't explain palm-muting. Let the readers do the work if they are unfamiliar with musical terms.

I kinda wanted more cold/arctic references. I thought they started to establish themselves nicely, but then they were lost. I understand it's focussing around a particular emotion, but maybe it'd be interesting to continue the cold images.

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-- J

#Writers-Workshop

agreed. I'm writing our ideas of cold hands on the guitar and strings/calous fingers in this comment so I don't forget.

Thanks for the extra push there.

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Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love