Actually, I prefer your original style. It has your touch...and it sounds all the better for it. Personally, I feel that no matter what form you try to write in, it's important not to force your writing to break free of your style. Your style is your signature.

It's a beautiful poem, but it enrages me when people think they can teach someone how to think and feel.

<silent rant against teaching people to read or write poetry>

</end silent rant against teaching people to read or write poetry>

anyway. it's a great piece, but I like your original style better as well. i don't believe you should change. for anybody. maybe on assignments for school but not in your non-academic life.

--
_{Me: I would be terrified if someone asked me to make a family tree.
Me: and all the cousins I mean? that's JUST my mother's side.
<annika235>that wouldnt be a tree
<annika235>it's a FOREST}

But he has some truth in there. Because, sadly, the type of crazy off the wall drunk poetry I have been writing is interesting, but reading through it more, I see it's very fleeting. Cute for the time being, but no real staying power in the reader. What my prof has been trying to get us to do, in my mind, is write more meaningful poems. One's that will stay within the person longer after it's over.

This poem was still floating around with me the morning after I wrote it. I like it for that, and I'm going to experiment with this a bit further before I totally dismiss it.

--
Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

I agree with that bit about not breaking free of your style. Though, I'm interested in what you think is my original style then? A little bit more crass, perhaps dirty images? I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that those can only last so long before it all gets to be a big mess, and I really enjoy how much more this poem resonates within me than some of my bar poems, which feel really lacking in staying power.

--
Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

[link]

i'll never agree with anything a teacher says about poetry unless he or she can show me one of their own poems and it blows me away.

thought you might like that poem, though. rofl. i love stumbleupon.

--
_{Me: I would be terrified if someone asked me to make a family tree.
Me: and all the cousins I mean? that's JUST my mother's side.
<annika235>that wouldnt be a tree
<annika235>it's a FOREST}

Very good. The only thing that really irked me was "East". It didn't seem important to the poem: either establish the significance of this specific direction or just omit it. East towards what? Being more specific will further solidify the setting.

However, you do a lot of great things in here by establishing a sense of place: I can feel the coldness of a parking garage or the vastness of a place where "the streetlights / are separated by miles." I can picture a man and his dog cruisin' the desert.

I see what ~lunalibera is saying, but I don't agree with "and it sounds all the better for it." To me, this sounds much more mature and focused than many of your previous incarnations. I think what you'll need to do is to find a good balance between your unique poetic voice that separates you from other poets and the more mature voice found in this poem.

Although I think this is a good poem, it's not great -- I'd definitely like to see more of you inside this poem and a few risks taken: play around with the images a little more; maybe add a cool metaphor or simile for good measure. I'm personally interested in seeing you go further with trying to describe to the dog what it was like to be with this woman -- it felt a little cut short just to have "I try to tell her of the parking garage, / the temperature of a kiss..." What else? Maybe you can shine a little more light on the whole "temperature" gig because that word is a bit broad -- what does the temperature of a kiss remind you of? Sounds like a good place for a metaphor of some sort.

Anyway, I think this is a step in the right direction, personally. I think some of your commenters are missing the point -- if we don't try to expand our voices a little and try different things, we get stuck doing what we've always done and don't improve. I think it's brave of you to be experimenting like this and it's one of the first few steps -- one that many young poets never make, unfortunately -- to becoming a better poet.

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.

Thanks for your comments. I just took this in to my professor during his office hours and got some more feedback that I think will really change this around and give me more to play with. It's a huge edit, and once that's done I'll try and work in some more figurative language. I'm glad the voice sounded more mature though, I think that was one thing I was really excited about after this was finished the first time around.

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Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

No offense, but that's a pretty close minded. Just because their poetry doesn't appeal to you or blow you away doesn't mean they don't have a respectable voice of opinion. My professor is a very, very accomplished poet himself (and, though it doesn't matter as I just said, I do enjoy his poetry for it's incredible craft). As much as I want to fight him, he's always right...he always knows where the problem is. If you never listen to the dissent, you'll never grow.

He's not "teaching me how to think and feel," he's teaching me how to take those feelings and to better apply them through a much more elevated level of craft of poetry to give out that feeling. He never changes content, just looks for ways to clean and clarify, give details and omit fluff. And that is truly what I'm looking for to grow as a poet, so I'm very happy that I'm getting that, even if it is in a very harsh way. Much better than staying stagnant.

--
Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

In my opinion, your style is surreal and abstract poetry characteristically full of imagery. Your poems tend normally to follow the trend of "hinting" instead of saying things straight out. It is beautiful at times, and enables your poetry to paint stark images that stay with the reader.

The reason why I said I prefer your original style is that this poem lacks flow, and it isn't nearly as delicate as your previous ones. I was frankly quite shocked when I read through this one...I couldn't get rid of a lingering sense of disappointment. I'll try and explain why:

Your first stanza is nice, but it's so...plain...it lacks your esoteric style of wrapping the reader in a nebulous glow of poetry. It's...bland. The second was where things really started getting suffocating, these longer explanatory sentences feel as dry as sawdust. It isn't you...it doesn't flow...it's not good. In anyone else, it would have been a good piece, but for you...this is well below standards. The lines that really bother me:
rolling out of the car barefoot
to greet the officers
with only boxers and my drivers license—

But tonight my dog fills the void in the seat beside me,
never objecting to our lack of destination.

and the vastness of the desert plains about her.

No no no. I'm sorry if this is hugely presumptive of me, but...no. It's not right.