Really impressive. For the spacing being a bitch to do, it was worth it. Nice story - nice use of brackets, particularly the square ones. And I liked "I am drenched in D minor" cutting clear across the piece.

--
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind - Dr. Seuss

ya, the d minor line I wanted to be huge. And I wanted the bracketed part to show apathy of the character in him being like "take you're pick, they all left, and others." Glad you enjoyed the piece, and thanks for your comments.

--
Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

i like the images in this piece, the feelings of powerlessness and resignation, the repetition of waiting for the deluge.

--
kmtr

<sub>"Men must live and create. Live to the point of tears."
- Albert Camus</sub>

thank you, nice to know things I was going for worked out

--
Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

hey hey, how've you been? i like how you've been experimenting. i tilt my head at this and totally see the equalizer working in the visual layout too

i think you should cut out the "can't" line, it goes a bit overboard. and i flt odd about the "songwriters." under D minor. either because of how close it's positioned to the above line or because i dont like how its trying to survive on its own very cool work otherwise

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_{Brain tingles ftw}

In the opening stanza, we see that line three is indented to begin several spaces beyond the end of line two. This is significant because the necessary pause rendered by the formatting makes the punctuation we would have needed after "guitar" unnecessary. In other words, the spacing provides an appropriate pause that, in a traditionally-formatted poem, should probably have been a colon. It also allows for the colon to be introduced in the third line, without suffering from repetitive punctuation points, and here the colon works beautifully to further elaborate on the music and the scene.

The periods are also appropriately placed, especially in the final line of the stanza. Here, the period doesn't just separate new thoughts, but it brings finality to the statement while building the suspense created by "I await".

In the second stanza, however, I am not as sold on the formatting - especially that of the second line. The drawn-out words of the first line continue the passive feeling of suspense created in the previous stanza, but the afterthought in "songwriters." all the way to the right in that second line just doesn't seem to work as well. I would've preferred to see another line separate the two, and perhaps "songwriters" over to the left just a bit more, so it's off-centered toward the right but not right-aligned.

What I will say is that the period is perfect for the mood. One punctuated word truly adds some bitter aftertaste and after-tone, and it works very well here.

I also struggle with the spacing of silence. Other than for aesthetic reasons, which don't seem to be enough in this particular case, I do not see a reason to separate it so dramatically from electrified. I suppose it's because it's zap! electrification and then the "silence" of death, but the formatting isn't representing that here as much as it's distracting the reader away from reading. I would reconsider the choice.

I also cannot help but feel you are missing the word "like" before "salted". In all honesty, I think adding that word would also improve the formatting, as you'll have a nice mix of Ls and Ss and will see the line extend itself a bit more.

I don't really like the period after "whispers". It feels out of place, as if those two lines "I name them all/in whispers" are afterthoughts trying to act as a transition. Also, having those two periods back-to-back in similar formatting shows the strength of one and the weakness of the other - which often happens with repetitive punctuation.

In place of the quotation marks in this stanza, I would suggest italicizing the words. The lack of a capital letter in its beginning and the lack of the comma preceding the quotation mark are highlighted and emphasized in a negative way based on your formatting here. Italics would remove those problems.

In the third stanza I like the line break instead of a comma after "straight"; I think you made the right choice. However, I would suggest another line of space between "All night." and "Straight" because, as it's currently formatted, they seem too close. I know that this may be a product of poor formatting options on deviantART, but just in case it's not--!

Also, since you have the capital letters and proper punctuation for these quotations, it makes the incorrect quotation in the last stanza really stand out. I'd definitely go with italics for that one.

Remove the comma after "and, wound up" as it's both unnecessary (due to your formatting) and grammatically incorrect.

I think you need a comma, however, after: "while the new moon palled the sky", especially with the conjunction starting the next line.

The following lines represent a few problems for me:

I see now the pooling blood
hidden in my footsteps[;]
crippled and debilitated,
[cannot] pilgrimage in my past,
[cannot] find the organ’s last lingering breath
before expelling itself out my mouth.

All those commas, especially with the "but" are slowing you up. Get rid of the but by incorporating the semicolon, and it clears up that problem. As far as cannot versus "can not" - if you mean "can't" here, which I think you do, then you want "cannot". That said, in this current structure, I am missing the subject of the "cannot" lines, as if you're missing a word again. These do not flow logically from the lines preceding it, for me.

For the next bit, it should be all or nothing. Either no periods until the very end or a new choice of formatting. In regards to "I [cannot] go." I'd actually lose the period and italicize "go", forget the period after the next line "I [cannot]" and leave the period after "I can't." as the only period in that section

For the final stanza, a nitpick: "When I’m recovered, lay me [in] the ground." You're either laid out on the ground or you're laid in the ground.

I'd also suggest a space between the first two lines, considering the second line is a fragment but begs no other more-appropriate punctuation than that period. If you choose to do that, I'd also suggest moving "I await the deluge." over to the right a bit more.

All-in-all, I think you did a fine job with the punctuation - and I think you did a fine job in using the formatting to prevent having to over-punctuate the poem.

Definitely upload as a .pdf, as DA will never do it justice.

I really, really enjoyed that! My kinda thing, haha. 'I am drenched in D minor' -- love it. I think my favourite stanza was the penis one, naturally. The idea of a 'neutered freedom' was interesting to read about.

However, I reckon you should take out that last 'I can't.' For aesthetic and sound purposes, mainly. I dunno, some people might like the shift from 'can not' to 'can't', but I think it's a bit much. It might also be my accent when I read it, though. I think it's nice to keep that part apostrophe free.

A little tense confusion and syntax stuff: 'When I’m recovered, lay me out in the ground.'

- When I recover, lay me out on the ground, I reckon.

Keep 'em coming, Breet Breet!

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-- J

#Writers-Workshop

Ya, I've thrown out the "I can't." I'm not really feeling it. And it's definitely supposed to be "in the ground" as the last part was him being buried, and being planted like something that would grow again with water (the deluge). I'm glad you liked the neutered freedom stanza. It was the one that gave me the hardest time. I wanted it to be a soft disconnection, not a violent thing and it took a lot of work to find the right words for it to fit into the idea of losing himself as a man/as a male human.

--
Hello Toilet
`poisonedrose - thanks brett <£...ahhh brit love

I think that came across, so you did really well.

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-- J

#Writers-Workshop